tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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