if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
