I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
