Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize