I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
