My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
