Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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