she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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