I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
