Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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