its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
