1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
