1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
