The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
