Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
