When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
