Who wears a wallet chain?!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
