i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
