so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think my moral compass just broke
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