True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
