Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
