I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
