You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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