I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
