I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
