My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
