watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
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