the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
