You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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