I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
even my farts smell like vagina
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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