Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My boob is missing a layer of skin
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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