Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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