I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
