Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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