I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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