Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
