My girlfriend figured out who you are.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize