why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize