walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
