So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
