I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
