margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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