Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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