Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
