I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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