is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
