Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize