So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
that is very illegal...i love you.
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