so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
