oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
