i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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