It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
