I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
