Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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