i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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