My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
