You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
