So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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