my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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