I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
