He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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