The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
